Santa Claus Is An Illegal Alien

Ladies, gentlemen, and elves. I am here before you today in favor of prosecuting the individual known as Santa Claus for immigration crimes against our sovereign nation.

Every year on the eve of December 24th Santa Claus enters our nation for temporary employment. He enters without a valid visa or even entering through a designated port of entry. The defendant and his supporters do not contest any of these claims.

Supporters of Santa Claus note that his migration is brief and non permanent. This is not however sufficient to waive prosecution of his case. A substantial number of other illegal aliens enter our nation for a brief time in order to work, save, and return home. It is unclear why, if these aliens are not pardoned, this individual should receive special treatment.

Australian citizens protesting Santa Claus’ annual invasion of their sovereign nation. “Stop the sleds” indeed.

Santa Claus’ crimes are especially heinous when one considers the vast number of goods he transports into our nation without proper documentation or paying tariffs. Santa Claus hires large numbers of foreigners year round to produce toys and other goods. He pays these foreigners well below the prevailing wage in our nation and does not extend to them basic labor rights. Through unfair competition practices Santa Claus has put countless of our nation’s firms and their employees out of business.  Every toy received from Santa Claus is a toy not bought from a native mom and pop store. Santa Claus is not merely an illegal alien, but a smuggler and a slave driver as well.

Some of you might have concerns about prosecuting Santa Claus as he is considered a religious figure in some circles. Our nation is not an unreasonable one and several visas exist for religious workers to enter lawfully. That Santa Claus has not bothered to apply for such a visa shows that he does not respect our nation’s sovereignty to control our borders. Furthermore our nation’s government, secular in nature, cannot afford to provide special exemption to individuals based on religion alone. To do so would be recognizing some religions over others and encourage social strife.

Others may object to prosecuting to Santa Claus on the basis of the limited resources that our nation has to prosecute immigration violators. Here I concede that our resources are limited and we must on occasion elect to prosecute with cost efficiency in mind. This is not however the situation with Santa Claus. Every year our defense establishment tracks his movement from the North Pole across the globe.  This has been done for over six decades. It is difficult for me to believe that we do not have the resources to capture Santa Claus and bring him into justice for his flagrant violation of our laws.

Ladies, gentlemen and elves it brings me no pleasure to make the case for prosecuting Santa Claus. The man gave me several toys throughout my childhood. My heart wishes that Santa Claus could be forgiven, but the law is the law.  I wish there were an alternative, truly I do, but there is not.

Michelangelo Landgrave is an economics graduate student at California State University, Long Beach.

6 thoughts on “Santa Claus Is An Illegal Alien”

  1. Now, nearly four years later, and in the middle of the tenure of an administration that is supposedly committed to securing our borders, these outrages continue unabated! This so-called “Santa” (a Spanish name, you’ll note!) continues to flout our laws, ruin our economy (just *look* at the state of the stock market in late December 2018!), and shift jobs out of the United States to some unknown Arctic location – probably in Canada, a well-known hot-bed of liberal feeling! And does anyone believe that a Democratic majority in the House of Representatives will act decisively to end these abuses? OF COURSE NOT!! A state of emergency must be declared FORTHWITH and this sleigh-riding vagabond brought swiftly to justice, or else hordes of illegal elves will come sweeping across the Texican border, pillaging and looting as they go! TRAGIC!!!



    1. stfu jarvis. who the fuck calls their child fucking jarvis. you wish you were tony starks ai cause then you would actually get some action. go get a fucking job you useless fuck face. imma go have a wank to the thought of you crying. i bet that you buy ready meals that are made for two people to make you feel less alone in life, but all its doing is make you a fat useless cunt with a chode.

  2. santa once got into a naked wrestling match with my mum, i called my dad and he jumped out the window, it was a whole thing because we had to get an ambulance to come and pick him up, now i live with my dad, him and mum dont talk now. we dont celebrate christmas now because we think that santa is a cunt plus my dad is on the dole now.

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